As I sit in the PICU with Toby (he's sleeping), I figured there was no time like the present to update the blog. If you read the blog I'm sure you probably know what's happening with Toby, but if not here's his caringbridge site
Last night I was a mess - literally felt like crawling out of my skin. We had an excellent ER experience - it was long, but there wasn't ever a moment that something wasn't happening. Then, we ended up in surgery and the ICU - this is not where I planned on spending my weekend. The last time we were here for an extended stay - Toby was a baby and it lasted 30 days. I forgot how much this place feels like the black hole - we are in one of the adjoining rooms separated by a curtain - where the screaming child next to us woke up Toby as he was trying to sleep. It's days like this that I wonder how we made it 30 days - 12 hours and I'm ready to bolt!
It's November, though, and I'm trying to be thankful for the little things. A friend wrote me that she was dealing with a skunk spraying her dog and then she opens up FB to find that Toby's just had major surgery - put it in to perspective for her. (I don't think I could deal with that either - I would be struggling with skunk!!). But, I am also learning perspective:
*Another family waited in in the surgery OR for their little boy - 3 years old - having surgery to repair blood flow to one working kidney, the other had been removed - Perspective!
*There is so much sadness here in the ICU - so many kids critical, sedated, not moving - at least my kid can talk and ask for water and food...even though it's EVERY 2 seconds - literally - that is NOT an exaggeration - Perspective!
*I am continually reminded that sometimes I don't like my life, but others would trade theirs for mine in a heartbeat (the picture of the starving African child's hand inside the American one) - Perspective!
*We live in America - a country whose doctors still embrace trachs/ventilators as ways to save kids' lives and give then normalcy - others don't - Perspective!
*My child isn't dying of cancer, going through chemo - painful as his surgery might be - Perspective!
I put my list of thankfulness on facebook today. "In every thing give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you." It doesn't say that I have to give thanks for the surgery or the hardships - although some times I do. But in the middle of the situation to give thanks - to find the little things to be thankful for, and when you stop and look around there are MANY! When I lament the fact that my son suffers so much and question why he should, God gently reminds me that His son Jesus suffered in ways I can't comprehend: a crown of thorns, beaten 39 times so that his body was beyond recognition that He was even a man - for no fault of his own. My brain is so wired that things must be just and fair that I can't wrap my brain around that, except to believe as scripture says that it was because of God's great love for us - so we could have salvation through Him. That's amazing love - for a God to love us that much - a person that has sinned and many times turned my back on Him - He still gave His only son for my salvation and desires to have a personal relationship with me...How's that for perspective? I can suffer through this - as hard as it seems - "a light and momentary trouble that will be overcome when we get to heaven." Our time on earth is just a tiny drop in the bucket compared to how long eternity will last - and we have the choice now to decide where to spend it. If even one person comes to know Christ as a result of our testimony - it's all worth it..and that's the perspective I'm trying to have!
