Some Smells Are Worth A Thousand Memories

All it took was walking into the doctor's office and a short conversation with the receptionist to bring on the tears.

the sights...
the smells...
the memories...

I am an emotional mess and I can't even blame it on hormones.  Since we moved three years ago, I haven't been back to this particular ob/gyn office.  I typically go to the one closer to our house.  It's strange to face the memories of hearing the very first time there was something wrong with our baby.  It was August 31st - our "D-Day"!  The Defining Day when our lives changed forever.

A little while later I'm in one of the exam rooms talking about the family with the nurse practitioner.  I share my thoughts with her, she's sympathetic - it's just so strange to be back in the room where the doctor revealed the news, "there's something wrong with your baby."  The NP says that sometimes our senses remember before the mind does.

How interesting, how true.

I wonder why these memories hit me now?  Why can't I hold back the tears.  The ironic thing is that I did have a few appointments at this office when I was pregnant with Caris.  It's not like I hadn't been back there.  At 6 weeks, I had an ultrasound because of spotting.  It was something new, something I had never had with any of my other pregnancies, and because of Toby I was more on edge.  I remember waiting back in the ultrasound room,  The last time I had been in this room was while pregnant with Toby.  As I was waiting for the technician I turned and looked at a bulletin board of various ultrasound photos (no names) just pictures and dates.  I remember sitting there reading the captions declaring happy news:

"It's a girl!"
"It's a boy!"
"It's twins!"

I smile.

Then "Lemon-shaped head".  I slid off the table and walked over to look at the date on the ultrasound - August 31st - It was Toby's ultrasound photo.  The tears fell, the grief came back.

I'm not sure why it hit me this time.  (And no I'm not pregnant!)  I do know that certain smells take me back.  Who can forget the smell of the green hospital soap?  That will forever remind me of when Toby was in PICU.  It's good to look back and remember, it's good to grieve.  Most special needs parents will tell you that at various times in their children's lives they have been at one stage or another of the grieving process.  I'm still not sure why visiting the doctor's office this week brought back the tears -- August 31st was just a few weeks ago, and it was the day I spent around five hours on the phone regarding a possible cut in nursing hours, so I'm sure some of it is stress and remembering the day our lives literally changed forever.  In some ways I wish I could tell myself then what I know now - maybe the grief wouldn't have been as strong, but then again maybe I wouldn't have believed the blessing Toby would be - 6 years, and 13 surgeries later.  It's worth it - it's all worth it!