A New School Year

It's the beginning of a new school year and of course the summer went so incredibly fast.  Conor started second grade, Garrett started kindergarten, and Toby began preschool.  I certainly have not felt very ready; I've enjoyed having my kids home this summer, doing things together and not having a set schedule to rush here and there and everywhere.  The start of the school year starts a very busy schedule that consists of getting Conor to his bus stop, Garrett to his school, and then Toby will be picked up at the house by his bus.  All 3 kids are at different schools.  For now, Toby is only going two mornings a week because of his therapy schedule, doctors' appointments, and because we need to see how his body will hold up to school (i.e. not getting sick from the other kids, etc.).  I will admit that as emotional as a person I can be sometimes, I did not cry one tear when Conor or Garrett started kindergarten.  I'm not sure if it's because they seem so independent, so ready, and my excitement for them to begin this journey overshadowed the emotions of realizing they are growing up, but it's been a different story for Toby.  Maybe it's because he's only 3 years old, he's in preschool, or all the stuff we've been through to get him to this point.  I think some of it is his vulnerability, the realization that I can't be there to protect him or the fact that just 3 1/2 years ago, we weren't sure he would live to see this day.  So, I've been pretty emotional these past few days, and especially this morning realizing that he's grown up so fast and he's come so far.  He cried when the bus driver put his wheelchair on the lift, but several minutes later, I got a text from his nurse that said he's watching all the other kids cry and just enjoying the bus ride.  I can't wait until he gets home, and tells me all about his day!

A Family Trip

For the first time ever our family went on a mini-vacation all by ourselves (with no grandparents, aunts, or uncles).  We traveled to Indianapolis and stayed in a hotel two nights.  Our main destination was to go to the Indianpolis Children's Museum (which was just amazing!) and secondary to meet up with some friends.  Conor and Garrett got to swim a lot in the hotel pool, and Toby and Caris did once.  Both Toby and Caris loved the water, and Toby likes to splash, which of course makes me panic just a little fearful of water getting inside his trach and down into his lungs (which would make him sick!). 

After our visit to the museum, we met up with the Potter family at a handicap accessible park in Indy.  Over three years ago, I met Jen through our Spina Bifida yahoo group when our boys were just little (Owen and Toby are about 6 weeks apart in age or so) and we have kept in touch ever since. It was great to meet her entire family, and see Owen and Toby together!  There is an amazing bond between women when you go through similar circumstances and when your kids have similar disabilities - it's truly amazing the true friends we've made across the miles who's kids have Spina Bifida or a trach or a ventilator.  We certainly had a wonderful time...Enjoy the photos!

Casting our cares on Him

Today's post is just something that I want to share that's been on my heart;
I have been struggling lately with comparison and insecurity as all people do and especially women.   It's a struggle that is mostly mental instead of physical, but can still consume and bring you down.  The questions relate to my family, my role as a wife, a mom, a friend.  I question: "Am I a good mom?  Will my kids turn out okay?"  I compare myself to other moms and see my short-comings: "Do I teach my children enough spiritually?  Do I spend enough time with them?  Am I creative enough with their activities?"


I also tend to be a very relational person and acquire my sense of self-worth from the quality of my relationships.  I begin to doubt my sense of self when I feel like I feel as if  I'm the only one keeping up the communication in the relationship, then the questions come again.  "Did I do something to hurt them?  Is this relationship just really one-sided and this friend/family member only keeps up their end out of pity?  Am I annoying them for some reason?"  Then, there's the comparison factor - "I'm not as good of a wife/friend/mom as she is because I don't do (blank) or I do do (blank)"  an endless cycle of self-talk that can deabilitate.  So, what should I do? 


Well, I was coming home from a meeting the other night and was actually all by myself in the car listening to a message on the radio by Alistair Begg.  He was preaching about I Peter 5: 7 "Casting all our cares upon him for He cares for you."  A verse that I memorized in second grade, one that I always took to mean trusting God in the big areas like when Toby has surgery or teaching him to eat solid foods."  But, quickly I was reminded that it also means our mental anxieties, the things we try to work out in our heads; the personal struggles of insecurity, inferiority that come every day. It really convicted me and reminded me to give over my insecurities to Him to - to walk in the Spirit.  If I'm walking in the Spirit and giving each day to Him, He will show me how to raise my children, what events to participate in, what spiritual truths they need taught, which friendships to maintain, who to call and encourage, who to pray for.   Then, it takes the pressure off because since I'm obeying God and what He wants me to do, I can't do anything else.  I have no right comparing myself to others because their path is different than mine - This is what God wants me to do today - and no one else can dictate that or decide it for me.  Oh sure, there are the truths of scripture that we all must live by, obey, that don't change, but living by faith and listening to what the Holy Spirit has for me is all I need to concern myself with.  Of course it's always easier to say, much harder to live out, but I remember the scripture of II Corinthians 10:5 "casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ."  I hope this encourages you too if you are struggling.  My mom has also recommended a book for me to read by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" - haven't cracked it open yet, but will soon..I think it's time for me to read it!

Summer Fun

Over the 4th of July, we took a trip up to Michigan to visit family and friends.  It's always a lot of work to get there, not just because we have 4 children, but because of all of Toby's equipment, etc.  His packing is the most work, making sure that I don't forget one medical supply.  By the time we arrive, I'm usually so exhausted we don't do much, but this year we were able to relax and have some fun too.It was a year of a lot of firsts for Toby - playing miniature golf, seeing fireworks, going swimming, visiting great-great aunts/uncles, having a campfire/bonfire, and seeing a movie in a theatre.  Everyone had fun, not just Toby, and we enjoyed spending time with all of the family.... :) Working on getting photos posted!

Baseball Season

It's baseball season around here - here are a few photos of Conor and Garrett playing baseball.  Conor plays on the Athletics Team, and it's a team of first and second grade kids.  They are actually pretty good.  It's a coach pitch league, so the kids' coach pitches to them.  One thing we have noticed about Conor is he's a fast runner for being short - he's about the second shortest kid on the team, but boy does he have wheels, and he always hustles. 

Garrett is also playing baseball.  His team is the Mets.  Their team is t-ball with some coach pitch thrown in there.  They are less competitive, and really don't get too many outs, but Garrett is loving it.  I think they look adorable in their baseball uniforms!

Pink and Blue Collide!!

The other day I was getting Toby ready in the morning, and had Caris in his bed too (which frequently happens).  Toby's care is pretty extensive in the morning...and I looked down to notice that Caris and Toby's blankies were lying next to each other on the bed.  Such irony, I guess.  Up until 4 months ago, our house and my world, was just a world of boys.  I was completely okay with that - love boys (even the rowdiness to a degree).  When I was pregnant with Toby (our third), didn't really even want a girl; just content with the way things were.  Then, as time drew closer for me to have our fourth (we didn't know gender), for the first time in 6 years, I had such a strong desire to have a girl.  I am the oldest of 3 girls - very close with both of my sisters and my mom, it sparked a desire to have that same kind of relationship with my own daughter.  I imagined 18 years down the road when my boys will leave me to be with their own wives...let's face it that old adage "you lose your sons" is true.  Then God saw fit to bless us with a precious baby girl.  I didn't think I would really get into the clothing, hair bows, and fun accessories (up until this point tights and hair bows scared me.  I enjoyed the simplicity of the buzzed hair cuts and boys' clothing - it's much faster out the door in the morning),but my view has changed.  Bruce can barely keep me out of the Carter's store - their sales kill me, and I enjoy buying dresses and all the fun things for a girl!!  The other part of this is the love that the boys have for their sister.  All 3 of them just adore Caris, Toby is enamored.  We were really nervous about having this fourth baby - up until her birth Toby was scared of kids 12months-2 years old, and would cry when they were around him.  However, things have been wonderfully different - God answered our prayers and Toby just LOVES his sister.  He thinks she is his baby and constantly wants to hold her.  God has certainly blessed us with this precious daughter and she has completed our family.  We have now closed the book on my "child-birthing" years, our family is complete!

Organized Chaos

Organized Chaos - that is the story of our lives.  I have come to grips with the fact that having four kids and one with special needs means chaos, and that's what our past weekend was like. 

It consisted of two baseball practices (Conor and Garrett), one t-ball game (Toby), one Cubbie picnic, and a Crew Game. In the middle of all of that, I spoke at an event on behalf of Nationwide Children's Hospital - sharing our story of Toby and what the hospital has meant to us. It was for a group that raises money for the hospital.  In the middle of all the chaos, I have asked myself is it worth it?  Yes, yes, and yes; I certainly am determined not to over-schedule our kids, and really they are only involved in a few sports a year, but it's important to me for Conor, Garrett, and eventually Caris to not feel as if Toby prevents them from doing certain things; yes it will happen in some cases.  Like, I still haven't completely gotten over the fact that we may never be able to go camping again or spend days and days on the beach (with Toby's trach)...so that's when opportunities arise for the kids to participate in other activities we do it and try to schedule the chaos!

Toby started playing t-ball this season. 

He's playing in a league specifically

designed for kids with special needs. 

I love this photo of his hand over

his heart and his hat off for the

National Anthem.